One Time, i feel so doubt with this. It's like drag me to a paradise, an another time make me suffer because of absolutely this is not good things to do.
If we are wasting so many time to learn, it should be better day by day, right? it should be better time after time?. But What? i am not really good in this, I am just a poor boy, Nobody Loves me. Like a Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics, i am really poor, weak and having trouble in self management. Sometimes i feel very sorry but sometimes i am like a beast, fool!.
Now i have already start this, it's almost impossible to stop this, and of course it's hard to turn around and leaving this, leaving all sweetness inside, leaving the laugh and happiness, the memory about us, no i am not ready to delete all that things in my head. I am absolutely not ready!. T_T
Honestly, i am not really a good man, i have a lot of mistake, i am also often make wrong decision in this life, but i want to be better day by day, be better every day in every things. How can i go to the better place if every day i am just do the same shit things?. Doing the same thing and feeling it's normal and not worrying anything?. Doing the same thing and hope the better result? Impossible!.
People around the world always have a way to express their love. But we both know if in every religion, we are already sit in the forbidden place, we are not only touch the limit line, but we break that line, walking inside the wrong path, drowned in that feeling and honestly, we are already lost in this dark circle.
Now, it feels more complicated, yes i know i must have responsibility to what things i already start. I have a little sister, she is a cheerful, humble and smart girl. When she sleep, sometimes i imagine, if she grow up become a woman and have a relationship, how if my sister meet another man like me? A man with very bad habits and of course bad mindset of love. Suddenly i feel sad imagine that, i am not ready if my little sister feel and do the same things like what me and my girlfriend do, i always pray the best for her. Not just my sister, when my overthingking processor service is on, i really thingking too much far. What if i have a daughter? grow up become a beautiful woman and? Meet a man like me?
I always hope this will be better. We can start turn around and run from this situation, learn to handle ourselves each other and also pray to God to give us wisdom and ability to avoid all of this. I know i am so naive to talk like this, but i want to change this shit, in my heart i always thingking about how lucky i am, how God always give what i want, not only what i want, but somethings i never expected also God give to me, so how can i reply it all? i feel touched because God is amazing Good, awesome, why i am still like this? same like this world? why i am not try to make God happy with me? happy to see me? far away from sins, From heaven God look at me and smile, proud of me, NO!. it's just my imagination, in reality i always make God sad when look at me. In church, i am be the bass player and join with church service to worship God, but in reality? in my dark side i am really like the beast, Honestly, i've been thingking, i am not deserve to take a part in church services, sinfull, dirty, a liar, but God still give me a opportunity, God want me to change my habits! Forgive me God.
I am always talk about good goals but in reality in every chance what i do is not good at all, so how to reach that goals? Impossible!
In this confusion, i dont know what must i do, i feel awry in every action i take. is this a chance to make this better? is this the right way?!
2019
